Be Happy for me When I’m Gone

Currently listening to a Paula Cole song…

I have been in full court (ugh…a basketball reference, I’m sorry, I’d rather watch paint dry…) press on the job hunt since last April…and nothing…

However, this week finally seems to have caught someone’s attention.  In fact, more than one.

Last year I would get the normal phone interview with the nice HR person as we went over details of my experience.  We would discuss how well suited I seemed to the position and how well I might fit.  Of course, that would lead to the inevitable email stating that they hired someone with 30 years more experience that I have. I have been in industrial sales for 25 years, that really says something about the economy.

This last two weeks, however, I have had two phone interviews.  I have already been told one is going to fly me out to Edmonton for a face-to-face interview shortly…

Now, being my hometown is Calgary, Edmonton’s biggest rival, Edmonton is not my first choice…however, it is one helluva lot closer to my Rocky Mountains than I sit as I type this.  Roughly 3000 kms closer, in fact. Being all changes have two edges…said interview is also 2900 kms further from my daughters than I sit now (I live about 100 kms east of them). My mountains call, but…

It is a funny thing when excitement and fear get together and dance.

My mother will be terribly upset were I to head home west…whether to Edmonton or the other company which has branches in Calgary and four British Columbia cities.

For the record, I have stated many times that I would fire the company I currently work for given the choice.  Numerous promises have fallen by the wayside over the last two years while I have been employed there.  In addition, we I to be given a choice, my hometown of Calgary would be first.

I am certain some of you have never seen a sunset over the Rocky Mountains, past the Southern Alberta foothills…come June of this year, it will be three years since the last time I have seen such…and I miss it terribly.  I miss the chinooks…the warm winds that blow off the mountains during the middle of winter and warm everything to springtime temps…I miss traveling up into those forementioned mountains and exploring trails on foot or skis…I did ski once, on real mountains even.  Of all the sites I have seen from the Swiss Alps to the Hawaiian surf to the architecture of Chicago, I would give them all up to see my Rocky Mountains again.

The question I keep asking is if I am happy where I sit.

The answer that keeps coming back is ‘not really’.

Sacrificing for my children is something I have done for the last 12 years.  One day I will explain to my daughters that their mother changed when they were born…when my eldest was born, but I would never say that for fear of my youngest holding that against her older sister…

Looking at my past, I now realize that two women…both whom I married and then divorced…saw me as not much more than a baby daddy.  Luckily, only had children with the first one but I do not regret those beautiful daughters as those two give me my drive to continue.  Had I stayed with their mother, I would have long since taken my own life by now.

I am not a baby daddy.

I am a dad.

I just hope that one day my daughters look back long after I am gone and remember me as a good dad.

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