Prostate of the Union

“Yeah. Check the probate. Why, my Uncle Thumper had a problem with HIS probate and he had to take these big pills, and drink lots of water.” – Roger Rabbit

“Not prostate, you idiot, PROBATE!” – Eddie Valiant

Roger Rabbit by pop culture geekAs a young man, this is the first comment I recall about prostate…never mind prostate massage. The film, Who Framed Roger Rabbit was released the same week that I graduated from high school. Even now, some 25-plus years later, the image of a cartoon rabbit having his prostate massaged by his cartoon wife is hard to take. It’s hard enough remembering the patty-cake scene without an erection popping for that cartoon cleavage.

Always been a curiosity if Jessica Rabbit is how Elmore Leonard first imagined her as he wrote the story.

“I’m not bad. I’m just drawn this way.” – Jessica Rabbit

I will, for obvious reasons, attack this important issue from a purely male perspective. Let us begin with the most important question…

Where is the prostate?

Thanks to the male pole and tackle, the prostate is like the hidden soul that lives in the shadows of the mighty gonads. The prostate is the goth daughter when compared to the popular college quarterback son that is the penis, and the penis’ equipment manager, the scrotum.

The prostate is in a dark place. A place even Tolkien could not have imagined a fellowship of dwarves and hobbits going. A place that the manly Darth Vader would have found shocking (think about this one).

“If you only knew the power of the Dark Side. Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father. ”  –  Darth Vader

Darth Vader by Wendel FisherUmmm…sorry, random Star Wars references always make me lose my train of thought.

I like trains.

Oh right, prostate…

Even in this day of alleged tolerance, it resides in the taboo realm of the male ass.

The word prostate comes from the Greek. It translates to “one who stands before”, “protector” or “guardian”.

Protector of what?

If anything, the penis might be seen as the protector of the prostate as it hangs down in the way to block things like small children’s heads, ex-girlfriend punches or even the occasional hockey puck flying at ridiculous velocity.

Yes, I am Canadian (men’s Olympic hockey starts Thursday!)….deal with it.

Of course, the irony of the word being Greek has not escaped me.

So how does one massage the male prostate?

Well, first, one must find a willing male.

Hi! My name is Chris!

Hi Chris!

Please don’t make me beg.

Next, even the most tolerant straight male can find ass play taboo, so one must be gentle…or have strong restraints to keep him from moving.

Another suggestion, especially if the guy is intrigued but nervous, lots of beer. The more fucking beer, the better. Maybe sub in with vodka or rum, but remember that beer is universal.

“But why is the rum gone?” – Captain Jack Sparrow

Dr. Horrible by Kevin DooleyKilts are tempting, too…. wait, I digress again…


“Freeze Ray!” – Dr Horrible

I still recall my first prostate massage. My partner first giggled, locked eyes on mine and then stated, “This is my favorite spot on a guy.” At the time, bring completely inexperienced, I expected a blowjob. When she lifted my penis and scrotum out of the way and slipped her finger inside me…well, it was shocking.

Though not shocking like if someone did it to Darth Vader and electrocuted themselves…yes, I went back there.

Kink of the Week


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