I’ve been listening to a lot of Ray Wilson, lately.
You know him, right? No?
You’re not alone.
Recently, I had a discussion about Ray with Lochlin Cross, host of the Locker Room on 95.7 CRUZ FM in Edmonton. Lochlin is an old high school colleague as I mention in my newest book, In One Convenient Package.
Lochlin is a music aficionado and doesn’t know much about Ray either.
Ray Wilson replaced Phil Collins with Genesis for the 1997 album Calling All Stations. I still feel that, although Ray was not the showman that either Collins or Gabriel are, he is a much better vocalist.
I’ve specifically been listening to an album he released in 2014 called Genesis vs. Stiltskin 20 Years and More. It’s a fun live album recorded in his adopted home of Poland.
One joke he makes between songs is how he had to take the Ferrari back to the showroom after Genesis vanished from beneath him.
The story, as I understand it, is that Genesis moved on without Ray after the one album. The poor support for the tour and album seemed to be the cause and the assumption was they fired him.
I read something recently, however, that casts a bit of shade on that assumption.
It seems that Ray Wilson was never fired or laid off or anything. They just stopped calling him. Ray took a positive outlook on this point in that one day, they might call him back.
Twenty years later, and now it seems unfortunately safe to say that will not be happening. The two remaining band members at the time, Tony Banks and Mike Rutherford, are perhaps guilty of don’t ask, don’t tell.
You don’t ask us about your job and we won’t tell you you’re fired.
Not to suggest that was either of their intent at the time, but it could be a fear of having to confront Ray with their plans that would not benefit him.
People hate confrontation, generally. I know I do. This avoidance could lead to a lot of don’t ask, don’t tell. In a married relationship, especially a polyamorous one, this could be dishonesty by omission.
For example, if a husband comes home from a date and doesn’t tell his wife that one of his other partners has a sexually transmitted disease. There are many possible outcomes that will not be pleasant here, but if she doesn’t ask the right question, he won’t say.
He’s not lying, and yet he is not honest.
Polyamory is about honesty with all the partners.
Allegedly, monogamy is about honesty as well, but when we look around it is clear relationship choices have little to do with it.
Honesty is such a lonely word. Everyone is so untrue.Billy Joel
Billy has a point there. And he’s a little better known than Ray, so thought I’d bring him up.
People are afraid of honesty and replace it with fantasy and fabrications. Again, something I’ve been known to do myself.
I talk of my love for snow and how it makes everything look so clean. That’s true, but only when it first falls for about five minutes until boot prints and car tracks start to turn it into a big ugly mess.
Allow me to be honest.
I’ve become lazy and depressed. I’ve been unemployed for nine of the last eleven months and am on anti-anxiety meds for three years.
I left my job last July due to stress. When I started there, I was the lone replacement for two full-time people and a couple of part-time people. In addition, I pretty much had to train myself. The stress caused a sick leave in 2017 for two months and my first anti-anxiety medication. The firm finally hired help for me a year later. By then the damage was done and triggers were happening that left me still unable despite the lower workload.
Another fact, about a month prior to leaving my job, my doctor and I weaned myself off of the meds. The side effects of that may have been another causality in my employment demise.
Also, in July, an alpha metamour that I do not trust was introduced into the situation. That has snowballed since that time and I may share that story sometime in the future. However, I will offer an intriguing take by Kathie Labriola called, “Are You in Poly-Hell?” This article fits very well in this situation combined with what I was already going through and causing a further cycle down leading to some stages of grief, and occurrences of don’t ask, don’t tell.
I started looking for work immediately after leaving my job. Two months later, I found a horrible and misleading position, which lasted from the end of September until December 1. My spirits suffered injury from whiplash up, when getting the job, and back down when I realized it was really bad.
Back to my couch to job hunt more. There appeared to be good hope for the two weeks before the holidays that quickly fizzled. After the holiday followed this lovely virus we are all enduring. Thanks to this, the job boards have been nearly empty since February.
Looking back at this, I didn’t ask or look for the right help early enough and I didn’t tell myself, never mind anyone else, that I needed it. I should have gone into therapy last summer upon leaving my good job. I probably should have stayed on the medication I was on initially, as well.
I did see a therapist in the winter. He told me that it was all their fault and that he wanted to talk to me more about my expertise in polyamory than about my issues. Then we saw a couples therapist where we concluded that it was all my fault and I’d become too needy.
I’m sure there is the truth somewhere between those two therapists, but they left me not knowing what to think.
As I’ve already said, I’ve been lazy and didn’t want to think. Thinking makes dark thoughts stronger when they first come along. If you don’t ask yourself to think, you won’t tell yourself the dark thoughts. Not thinking, however, has caused me to miss a lot of emotional labour my household required, and that has done some damage.
I stopped writing anything that I felt was worthwhile until this pandemic isolation started. My readers have seen that, but this might be the one little light in all this. I’ve published a couple of items the last two months and, for the first time since I don’t know when I’ve posted to this website on consecutive days (this very post being day two).
However, welcome to May. The sun is up and it is warming the ground. Yet I still feel so cold.
Where do we go from here? How the fuck do I know?
I needed some catharsis and to get some of this out of my head. I could blame others, and some of that would be legitimate, but I have to accept my own blame in this narrative. It is about time I start being honest with myself, again.